fbpx

Author: Peachy Keenan

Post

The Audacity Of Amy

All Hail Justice Barrett! Here she is: Mrs. America. Amy Coney Barrett rode into D.C. a few weeks ago like a Valkyrie galloping forth to vanquish foes in her Honda Odyssey minivan. Impervious to the slings and arrows of sputtering Democrats, immune to the dastardly virus someone snuck into her Rose Garden event, she smiled,…

Post

RNC NIGHT 4

This is part four of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part one here, part two here, and part three here.—Eds. Bang Zoom to the Moon! You can’t always get what you want, America. But sometimes you get what you need, like Night 4 of the RNC convention. Trump, stuck at home due to coronavirus…

Post

RNC NIGHT 3

This is part three of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part one here and part two here.—Eds. Storm Surge Another night, another round of future president auditions! Night 3 of the RNC attempted to do the impossible: soften Trump in the eyes of suburban white women still mad about his tweets or something. First of…

Post

RNC NIGHT 2

This is part two of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part one here.—Eds. Liberal Extinction Event On Monday night, the local white supremacists were so fired up by Night 1 of the RNC that they tore down a {checks notes} dinosaur statue in front of the Kenosha Paleontology Museum. Apparently Dilophosaurus was an unrepentant…

Post

RNC NIGHT 1

This is part one of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part two here.—Eds. Cue Pete Buttigieg’s campaign theme song: I had hiiiiiigh hopes for Night 1 of the Republican Convention. Four days spent wallowing in the fetid swamp of last week’s Democrat Convention was like going on a weeklong Augustus Gloop sugar binge. I was…

Post

DNC: Zooming Toward Gomorrah

Is it over? Can I turn it off now? Yes, I watched the four-day DNC Convention. Let me rephrase that: I survived it. I was wondering how Democrats could possibly address the awkward situation they find themselves in. The extreme far Left has captured their party. The results are already apparent every night in the…

essays
10 minutes

Kin in the Game

Life won’t wait. Neither will babies.

Post

Quiet Riot

A belated congratulations to those of you who had “Global Race War” on your 2020 Bingo card! I was almost finished with a clutch of new pieces for this esteemed publication when Civil War 2: Eclectic Boogaloo broke out, rendering my musings instantly obsolete. Pandemics and lockdowns, R naughts and CFRs: all mere fragments from…

Post

INDEPENDENCE DAY

I spent yesterday crying at Whole Foods, my helpless tears filling my ski goggles (won’t be skiing any time soon) and rolling down the sides of my p100 mask. The country I grew up thinking was so majestic, so impervious to damage, has become an empty, post-apocalyptic husk of itself. Chinese bat AIDS may not…

Post

VICTORY MINDSET

“You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would be killed in a major battle. Every man is scared in his first action. If he says he’s not, he’s a goddamn liar. But the real hero is the man who fights even though he’s scared. Some men will…

Post

WARTIME TRUMP

Dear President Trump, You, Sir, are blowing it. I say this as a loyal supporter since early in your candidacy. I placed an early Predictit bet on you, and won big. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit defending you to #nevertrump cucks. My faith in your political and national instincts has never…

essays
15 minutes

Big Pimping

How American Parents Turn Their Daughters Out.

Post

Wrench in the DreamWorks

Young Woman: I’ve learned to hate you in the last ten years! Older Man: I never meant to hurt you. YW: I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it! OM: You knew what you were doing. YW: Now I do. This is my place. Get out! OM: I did what I did, you don’t…

Post

It’s a Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick World

Ah, what sweet relief that was! How nice to take a break from watching videos of coronavirus-infected Chinese people dropping dead to watch drop-dead gorgeous people with much sexier diseases like Herpes and Chlamydia! Main takeaway: Whatever Penelope Cruz—who is supposedly 45—does to keep looking 25, I need that intel stat. Secondary takeaway: Tarantino wuz robbed. Yeah, I said…

Post

Stupor Howl

The morning of the big game, I predicted that the elderly singers poised to take the stage would appear in opaque nude panty hose and vinyl leotards, since legally the older the performer, the more skin they are required to flaunt. My prediction was very close to what they wore, except with slightly less fabric….

Post

It’s the Child Abuse, Stupid

Wait, you mean you didn’t hear about the recent gathering (or as they say, “General Assembly”—LOL, OK boomer) of the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops? Their annual meeting was held in Baltimore in November; Baltimore, you may recall, was recently newsworthy for being particularly rat-infested. So many rats that no one paid much attention to a…

Post

Full Metal Racket

On Veteran’s Day, we flew our flags and honored those who served. As is right and just. But maybe from here on out we should prevent our young people from enlisting in the U.S. Armed Forces. At least until we figure out what the hell is going on. With American foreign policy in a post-Trump…

Post

TERF Wars: How Radical Lesbians Are Braver Than You Are

An epic battle is being waged on the left. It’s not between Medicare for All nuts and Obamacare nostalgics. It’s not even between the Green New Dealers and the Slightly Less Green Dealers. It’s between feminists and transgenderists.TERF Wars Radical, leftwing ladies—the “feminazis” of old—are mostly progressives, pro-abortion, and against basically everything mainline conservatives believe…

Post

“And You Call Yourself a Christian?”

Bet you’ve noticed this. Happens almost daily on TV and Twitter. And…it magically works every time. Dumb Republican: “We have to enforce existing immigration laws.” Atheist Liberal: “And you call yourself a Christian? No Christian would turn away the poor!” Dumb Republican: [acts out And I Oop meme, cowers silently in shame.] Noted Christian theologian…