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Author: Peachy Keenan

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Quiet Riot

A belated congratulations to those of you who had “Global Race War” on your 2020 Bingo card! I was almost finished with a clutch of new pieces for this esteemed publication when Civil War 2: Eclectic Boogaloo broke out, rendering my musings instantly obsolete. Pandemics and lockdowns, R naughts and CFRs: all mere fragments from…

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INDEPENDENCE DAY

I spent yesterday crying at Whole Foods, my helpless tears filling my ski goggles (won’t be skiing any time soon) and rolling down the sides of my p100 mask. The country I grew up thinking was so majestic, so impervious to damage, has become an empty, post-apocalyptic husk of itself. Chinese bat AIDS may not…

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VICTORY MINDSET

“You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would be killed in a major battle. Every man is scared in his first action. If he says he’s not, he’s a goddamn liar. But the real hero is the man who fights even though he’s scared. Some men will…

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WARTIME TRUMP

Dear President Trump, You, Sir, are blowing it. I say this as a loyal supporter since early in your candidacy. I placed an early Predictit bet on you, and won big. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit defending you to #nevertrump cucks. My faith in your political and national instincts has never…

essays
15 minutes

Big Pimping

How American Parents Turn Their Daughters Out.

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Wrench in the DreamWorks

Young Woman: I’ve learned to hate you in the last ten years! Older Man: I never meant to hurt you. YW: I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it! OM: You knew what you were doing. YW: Now I do. This is my place. Get out! OM: I did what I did, you don’t…

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It’s a Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick World

Ah, what sweet relief that was! How nice to take a break from watching videos of coronavirus-infected Chinese people dropping dead to watch drop-dead gorgeous people with much sexier diseases like Herpes and Chlamydia! Main takeaway: Whatever Penelope Cruz—who is supposedly 45—does to keep looking 25, I need that intel stat. Secondary takeaway: Tarantino wuz robbed. Yeah, I said…

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Stupor Howl

The morning of the big game, I predicted that the elderly singers poised to take the stage would appear in opaque nude panty hose and vinyl leotards, since legally the older the performer, the more skin they are required to flaunt. My prediction was very close to what they wore, except with slightly less fabric….

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It’s the Child Abuse, Stupid

Wait, you mean you didn’t hear about the recent gathering (or as they say, “General Assembly”—LOL, OK boomer) of the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops? Their annual meeting was held in Baltimore in November; Baltimore, you may recall, was recently newsworthy for being particularly rat-infested. So many rats that no one paid much attention to a…

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Full Metal Racket

On Veteran’s Day, we flew our flags and honored those who served. As is right and just. But maybe from here on out we should prevent our young people from enlisting in the U.S. Armed Forces. At least until we figure out what the hell is going on. With American foreign policy in a post-Trump…

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TERF Wars: How Radical Lesbians Are Braver Than You Are

An epic battle is being waged on the left. It’s not between Medicare for All nuts and Obamacare nostalgics. It’s not even between the Green New Dealers and the Slightly Less Green Dealers. It’s between feminists and transgenderists.TERF Wars Radical, leftwing ladies—the “feminazis” of old—are mostly progressives, pro-abortion, and against basically everything mainline conservatives believe…

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“And You Call Yourself a Christian?”

Bet you’ve noticed this. Happens almost daily on TV and Twitter. And…it magically works every time. Dumb Republican: “We have to enforce existing immigration laws.” Atheist Liberal: “And you call yourself a Christian? No Christian would turn away the poor!” Dumb Republican: [acts out And I Oop meme, cowers silently in shame.] Noted Christian theologian…