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Salvo 06.15.2021 10 minutes

Critical Conspiracy Theory

Paranoid

In This House We Believe: In Nothing

I know we landed on the moon. We did, okay? I’m no 9/11 truther, either: of course steel beams can soften in an intense jet fuel fire.

The Earth is round. Gravity is real. Dinosaur fossils are many millions of years old. Epstein didn’t kill himself.

But you have to admit, after they successfully magicked a playboy real estate developer into a Russian agent and an unarmed fraternity prank into a slaughter akin to Gettysburg, didn’t a few tiny doubts creep in? The facts and hard rules governing our earthly existence started to glitch, like Marty McFly’s siblings fading away on the photograph he carries back in time.

Forget systemic racism: systemic conspiracism has permeated every aspect of our lives, a miasma of obfuscation clouding our crisp and clear belief system.

In Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Richard Dreyfuss drives past dead cows and sheep along the side of the road, killed by what the government says is a toxic nerve agent leak. Are they really dead? Or is it a hoax to keep them away from the UFO landing pad?

The list of official state entities I trust these days is shorter than the list of genders that actually exist. The last couple years (decades) of comically inept government-run shenanigans, hoaxes, baloney, fake news, malingering, coverups, and, most crucially, totally true stories they totally ignore, one must ask the question: what won’t our overlords lie to us about?

I call this phenomenon Critical Conspiracy Theory. It’s just like critical race theory, only instead of trying to discredit, vilify, and crush certain disfavored races and groups, it does this to ideas, facts, and opinions that threaten them. Everything they fear is a right-wing conspiracy!

If you are told specifically by a duplicitous member of the ruling class that some obvious conclusion or commonly held belief is a conspiracy theory, and you therefore must not believe it to be true, believe it to be true at all costs!

If There is Any Doubt, There Is No Doubt

The great revelation washed over us last week in full, finally: not only did Dr. Fauci know the virus came from the lab, and was a product of U.S.-funded, suicidally risky gain-of-function meddling, it was his virus. He literally helped fund it and oversee its creation. It was Anthony Fauci’s virus.

I laughed for three days after learning this.

Joke’s on us, you guys. Crime of the millennium and all he’ll get is a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

I learned one lesson over and over again in 2020. When in doubt, believe the conspiracy. Rule 2: the more insane the conspiracy, the more likely it is to be true.

Looking back, it was all so obvious. Like my fellow tinfoil hat wearers I was already aware of the leakiness of Chinese virus labs, and the suspiciously convenient fact that the only Level 4 lab in China was in Wuhan. Whispered tales of Pentagon-funded gain-of-function research that was—get this—adding bits of HIV (!) into the deadly SARS virus to make a bioweapon—they couldn’t be true, could they?

But a torrent of official sources, experts, and scientists claimed it was a racist conspiracy theory to say the lab had anything to do with it.

Instead, our elites informed us that this tiny little bastard (the virus, not Fauci) dropped out of a bat’s behind somewhere near downtown Wuhan, where it wafted like Forrest Gump’s feather through the breeze until it was sucked up someone’s nose at a charming local grocery store that sells tasty morsels like starving live dogs and cats for you to take home and gobble up. Next time you’re there, try the raw anteater testicle kabobs, or the dried black rhino horns, which the Chinese claim gives people without uteruses intense, long lasting, uh, prowess.

Those refined epicureans, they have delicate palates, and how dare you laugh when they sup bat ass soup or pickled pancreas of baby pangolin? They can eat what they like. The pandemic is not their fault!

If you doubted this official story, you were a lunatic, remember?

In January of 2020, listening to the racists, xenophobes, and white supremacists on the Internet prepared you better and more carefully than the false and dangerously wrong pronouncements of the sneering class. They do not earn your trust; they demand it, or else.

I found myself on the side of the pepe people, the frog people, the unreconstructed reactionaries with their avatars of tanned gymcels.

And there I was, just a quiet little hausfrau with a poasting side hustle, knowing more than I was supposed to know. It was terrifying to be out there alone on that windswept gangplank in January to early March of 2020, me and my fellow noticers of things.

I don’t know squat about viral load or spike proteins, but I knew those shifty-eyed men in charge at the WHO looked like they’d seen the inside of the most depraved brothels in Bangkok and were keeping many ugly secrets under wraps. The virus can’t jump to humans, the virus is not airborne, we don’t know where the virus came from.

Meanwhile there it was, clear as day on the late-night Peachy feed: zombie-apocalypse level videos coming out of some gray-skied misery den deep behind the Red Wall of Communist China.

On January 23rd, 2020 I ordered my first few boxes of N95 masks, and I have the receipts to prove it.

This was not a “conspiracy theory.” It was plain truth, and hastily covered up by the cretinous madmen we discovered were in charge of “global public health.”  You know, the same global public health system that brings abortion to the masses, gleefully performs useless fetal experiments, invented cloning, and kills more people via medical error than cancer does.

(Related question: Why does Pfizer have a big R&D center in Wuhan? Because it does. I’m sure there is an innocent explanation, and that is for others to explore.)

The American snooze media, meanwhile, was true to form, fast asleep while this was bearing down upon us. They were lulling the country into an early death with endless droning coverage of Impeachment #487,350. I don’t remember what the impeachment was about, but I remember praying the comically foolish Republicans in the Senate would vote AGAINST calling more witnesses, so we could get ready.

Reader, we did not get ready, and the virus hit, and we were catapulted right into the Summer of Love Lies.

But—thanks to my carefully calibrated truth detector with its gain-of-function enhancements developed in the bowels of a bat-bowel lab, I was ready!

Dismantling Systemic Conspiracism

To help survive in this era, I find it helpful to review the things we all know. These truths should be treated as precious treasures, hoarded and guarded from those who wish to delete them from your brain. Their magic must be very powerful, or they wouldn’t want them so badly. You’re not crazy, they are.

True:

  • Amanda Gorman is a terrible and cringe poet.
  • Babies do best with their mothers, not at daycare.
  • Trump beat Hillary without Russia’s help.
  • Hydroxychloroquine works, actually.
  • Joe Biden has obvious cognitive problems caused by his numerous brain surgeries and age.
  • The 2020 election featured voting irregularities, ballot discrepancies, and shady goings-on that throw the results in doubt.
  • Biden was certified as president and is the president, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t fraud.
  • BLM is a Marxist group sworn to overthrow America.
  • Antifa are violent anarchists sworn to overthrow America.
  • Police officers do not hunt down and kill unarmed people because of their race.
  • Harming a police officer is permissible if you are in BLM, but insurrection if you are not.
  • The American government wants to replace non-compliant Americans with newer and more obedient ones.
  • Officer Brian Sicknick was not bashed over the head with a fire extinguisher outside the Capitol Building; he died a few days later of a stroke.
  • There are two genders, and your gender is as immutable as what species you are.
  • Surgically removing body parts cannot change your gender.
  • There is no such thing as a birth defect in which a human infant’s soul is accidentally inserted into the wrong body.
  • Bugs are pests, not food. Do not eat them.
  • A person with a uterus is a woman, and a woman is the only type of person that has a uterus.
  • The word uterus is unpleasant to say. Who named these things?
  • Tony Podesta’s art collection is disturbing and merits extreme suspicion.

Not True:

  • Abortion is health care.
  • Masculinity is toxic.
  • Women can do anything men can do.
  • Women’s inability to do the same things men can do is proof of sexism.
  • Anyone’s inability to perform at the same level as another is proof of racism.
  • Unbridled promiscuity is freedom.
  • Childlessness is moral.
  • Children reduce a woman’s value.
  • Climate change is our worst problem.
  • Men can give birth, breastfeed, and get periods.
  • Gender is assigned at birth.
  • Single family homes are racist.
  • White people are incurably evil.
  • Black people are helpless victims of white people, and talking about this all the time is empowering and healing.
  • When you own nothing, you’ll be happy.

It’s a veritable poppycock pandemic!

15 Days to Drop the Dead

Here is one more truth: there will be more “lab leaks” from China if we can’t prove the origin of the virus.

Faucivirus turned out to be much less fatal than I’d predicted. Imagine the next one doesn’t target olds and fats with a .01% fatality rate.

Imagine the next one targets under-fives with an 80% fatality rate.

Maybe then the Pentagon will stop wasting time hunting down patriots and replacing them with transgender soldiers so they can focus on our real enemies. It’s past time to bury the Wuhan Institute of Virology, the WHO, and the NIH under 50 feet of concrete, or for the next pandemic we’ll be trading our masks for tiny caskets.

There’s nothing wrong with the air!” Dreyfuss yells near the climax of Close Encounters when he realizes he’s right and everyone in the government is lying. He rips off his gas mask, takes a deep breath of clean air, and finds the truth he was seeking. It’s past time for Americans of good will to do the same.

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