Robert Downey Jr.’s failures in Doolittle are the failures of American film today.
DNC: Zooming Toward Gomorrah
Notes from the convention that wasn’t.
Is it over? Can I turn it off now? Yes, I watched the four-day DNC Convention. Let me rephrase that: I survived it.
I was wondering how Democrats could possibly address the awkward situation they find themselves in. The extreme far Left has captured their party. The results are already apparent every night in the great blue cities where BLM, Antifa, and the other loyal Joe voters run rampant, smashing skulls right into the same pavement where the Black Lives Matter murals are painted.
Their answer? The cringey, clunky slogan “Build Back Better.” Every time they say it I think they’re saying, “Make Bill’s Back Better,” as in, giving instructions to an underage masseuse.
2+2 = Whatever They Say
At the DNC, war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. The Minister of Truth, in the form of His Eminence Obama, delivered solemn utterances from the Revolutionary War Museum telling us so.
Did you notice how everyone in JoeLand is always standing on indigenous land, in indigenous costumes, crying and oppressed because of how awful this place is? I watched in disbelief as the wretched collection of sad sacks and wine aunts on the DNC zoom stream lamented their miserable present and dreamed only of the day Uncle Joe would sprinkle magic happy dust coast-to-coast so they can continue their “march toward justice.”
As far as I can tell, “justice” to these kooks means lopping off children’s genitals, crushing devout Christians, aborting babies at will, confiscating guns, shutting down homeschools, looting back reparations, demolishing the nuclear family, burning down our greatest cities, scrubbing and then re-writing American history, and, of course, cancelling you in the name of “inclusion”—all because peace and harmony.
Remember: Every time another innocent is murdered by cops, a black drag queen loses his wings.
If you don’t vote for Joe and this army of weeping nonbinary indigenous entities, YOU WILL BURN IN HELL.
Ironic, considering the entire convention was basically the meme where Leslie Nielsen stands in front of a burning building shouting “nothing to see here, go home!”
The Convention Will Continue Until Morale Improves
While I watched, I wish I’d had some of whatever they injected Joe Biden with to keep him upright.
Did anyone else feel like they were watching a bad rerun? “DNC Part 2: This Time It’s Personal.” It’s 2016 all over again in Democrat Fantasy Land, only this time they think you’re extra deplorable.
Four years later, Obama is back and he is very, very disappointed in us. He warns that Trump will “steal our democracy,” almost like he himself didn’t actually get caught attempting to steal the last election! (Someone should tell him we all know what he did.)
Michelle is back, too. She is also disappointed in us, especially the “some” of us who refuse to heed her orders to vote for the serial groper, the loudmouth buffoon her husband was forced to pal around with to trick us dumb hick whites into believing Obama was not going to destroy our American way of life.
They were so good, so mercilessly effective at ravaging what we had that we had to hire Donald Trump to stop the bleeding. Now the Obamas, who stand on the indigenous lands of Martha’s Vineyard, are angry. As punishment, they are going to make us watch unwatchable racial justice Netflix specials and tweensploitation films like Cuties, prying our eyelids open Clockwork Orange style.
“Listen up, you dumb racist whites!” the DNC Zoom zombies say. “We are going to call you names, beat you, strip you of your city’s police force and your weapons, make you kneel, force you to put your pronouns in your bio, abolish the suburbs, brainwash your children, and put the final nail in the American dream—until you start listening.”
The riots will continue until Joe wins!
E PLURIBUS ETIAM PLURIMI
I did have one revelation watching the cavalcade of human failures. Those “65 million cracks” Hillary Clinton crawled out of her crypt to wheeze about in some sick approximation of delight are not, I realize, in the “glass ceiling” she loves to pretend exists.
Instead, those cracks are in the shimmering idea of the American dream and every vote for these people is another tiny crack in it. When Donald Trump said he wanted to make America great again, I think he meant he wanted to start patching up the holes and repair the damage the Left has wrought to our golden dreams, our fervent hopes, our memories aglow with what we had and what we still can have.
They long to smash it all to bits, “dismantle” it forever, with their 65 million hammers and sickles. After all, the Left is really, really good at smashing things—just ask the glass window repair guys in Seattle, Portland, Chicago, New York, and L.A.
I have a friend, a good guy with a family, who works in the movie business. After many years grinding it out, he managed to get an agent and a few small films under his belt. He finally thought he’d “made it,” if by making it you mean getting to send your kids to a decent public school.
Last month his agent told him that because of his skin color, his career “is dead in the water. No one’s going to hire you, ever again.”
He’s not going to lose job opportunities because of COVID-19 or Trump. He’s losing them because Joe Biden’s base is free to be openly bigoted to groups they resent, as long as it’s done in the guise of racial justice. Critical woke theory: the new Klan hood!
He told me his mother, only half joking, suggested he wear a dress and heels to his next meeting to help him score a job.
And I’m old enough to remember when Tootsie was just a fictional comedy!
2020 Hollywood is so “progressive” that TV shows are now sending out job openings—for writers of specific races. One show my friend told me about was only seeking “Queer Black or Native Hawaiian” writers. Racism solved!
New rule: You can only laugh at jokes written by people with the correct genetic mix. You better laugh, because in 2021, there are no jokes allowed. Comedy will be abolished, along with everything else you liked.
DNC host Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s wokejoke carpet-bombing last night was just a sneak peek into the “humor” you will be forced to endure in a Biden administration.
These are the people who want to “heal the soul of our country”? They’re nihilists who don’t even believe in souls! L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti had the nerve to make a DNC video about a business owner who closed her restaurant because of COVID. He somehow forgot to mention the thousands of boarded-up stores and restaurants in his city thanks to the riots.
This is the final lesson of the convention: who are you gonna believe, us or your lying eyes? At the DNC it’s clowns all the way down: liars, fabulists, and fantasy makers that put the Disney Imagineers to shame.
Saving our democracy? These people conspired to overthrow an elected president by any means necessary!
Spare me. At least for the next four years.
Next Week: The GOP Convention
Some advice the chronically inept GOP and RNC will probably ignore for next week’s event:
- Get a cheering audience into the room for as many speakers as you can, especially for Trump.
- Avoid musical interludes unless they’re actually good—and no comedy bits unless they’re pure gold.
- Show a compilation of Democrats calling to defund the police.
- Break down what BLM is and what it stands for. Ditto Antifa.
- For fun, show the best Trump memes of the last four years. They’re better and funnier than any bits the RNC can come up with.
- When you tell the story of election night 2016, you absolutely must include this video compilation of everyone saying Trump would never be president.
- Broadcast the incredible Ralph Northam clip where he approves of post-birth abortion, or as we misogynists call it, baby murder.
- Interview as many small business owners as you can who had their stores looted and burned.
- Bring out the families who had children killed by the mobs this summer in blue cities.
- KANYE WEST. Give him a speaking slot. Come on: what do you have to lose?
After all, we only have 73 days to stop the spread—of rotting Marxism and weaponized multiculturalism.
Let’s do this!