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Salvo 03.01.2021 4 minutes

Bi, Bi, Miss American Pie

Young Asian girl covering with LGBT flag and sitting on the floor in living room.

Wither girls?

My kids stopped watching Sesame Street when the original voice of Elmo got busted on a pedo beef, but I used to love this old-school expression of his. To describe playing pretend, Elmo would say, “We’re making believe!”

Good news: Generation Z still loves playing making believe! 

Bad news: They’re all making believe they’re bisexual. And that game, friends, lasts forever.

LGBBBBBBTQ

The big news last week was the new Gallup poll that claims 11.5%, or 1 in 6 Generation Z adults (they polled ages 18 to 23), now identify as LGBTQ. The most popular letter is the B.

“72% who identify as LGBTQ say they are bisexual,” according to Gallup. For millennials, “half of those aged 24 to 39 in 2020 who identify as LGBT say they are bisexual.”

Another fascinating data point: “Women are more likely than men to identify as LGBT and more likely to identify as bisexual.”

What’s going on? Only one answer is allowed: society is finally open enough for millions of bisexual women to come out of their closets. And okay, for some of them, sure, I take you at your word. But this much bi-ness feels like a frenzy. A craze. It’s a cliché so common even my 13-year-old knows the “eat hot chip and lie” meme. It’s all these girls know how to do!

If you are truly bisexual, aren’t you kinda straight half the time? I guess that’s my inner boomer talking, sorry. But there is a tangled logic tree to explore here (we all love exploring, don’t we folx?). Yes, you can be gay and in a straight relationship and not be bi, like this guy in college who had a hot girlfriend and then came out—and stayed way the hell out. You can be straight and in a gay relationship, like a female friend of mine was, and that doesn’t make you bi. Or gay, since she’s engaged to a man now. 

Is bisexuality the state of being in either a straight or gay relationship but still feeling attraction for other people at the same time, or are you reserving an option in the future to feel attraction to other people? Is bisexuality transitory and fleeting, like they tell me gender is? As Carrie Bradshaw might ask, can one be bisexually fluid? 

Of course, the answers to these questions don’t matter. No one cares, least of all me, whom you “choose to love” as Michelle Obama likes to say. But the phenomenon of young women flooding into LGBTQIA+ world, clogging the highways and bi-ways of society, bodes ill for us all.

Why So Bi?

I’m no expert, and I know we shouldn’t trust people unless they’re experts, but the fact that so many more Generation Zs chose “bisexual” over gay or straight in the Gallup poll indicates that some likely chose it on the spot, under duress. Declaring yourself bisexual gives you newly elevated status as a protected class; you win extra social points. You get attention and praise. It signifies to straight men in a competitive and gross dating market that you are sexually open to new experiences. 

If you happen to be white, “becoming” (as Michelle Obama likes to say) bisexual instantly distances you from your straight white—i.e., white supremacist and super racist—peers. You get to be in the popular group with the media darlings, the ones everyone is always hanging special flags for and sticking those signs in their lawns to celebrate. It’s the ultimate sexuality of convenience for straight women who may not ever (shhh!) be willing to have a real lesbian relationship. You get all the credit with none of the hard work, girl! 

Bi is big because it’s a sexuality of status for a certain stratum of young females. It is also a sexuality of refuge—if you’re cowering from woke Einsatzgruppen on campus patrol. It’s the mark on your doorframe so the angel of cancellation passes over your dorm room and harasses some hateful heteros instead. 

Imagine admitting—in public!—to a person on the phone that you’re NOT part of the special people’s club. Imagine being forced to admit that you are so hopelessly square, so hidebound in your hegemonic traditions of oppressive patriarchal bourgeois culture that you…still find just the opposite sex attractive! 

How can any woke young person do that? These strong “Girl Power” women are terrified by tweets; traumatized by words. How can we expect them to stand firm against the slightest shift in the cultural tides? 

This is the magic of bisexuality: you can claim the prize, and you don’t need to do anything different. You can continue on in your happy straight relationship, no questions asked. You can write your college acceptance essay about “coming out” as bisexual and gather extra social credit points without ever having a single bisexual experience. Fake and gay? Women really can have it all!

The Old Normal

Of course, there’s also the tragic feminization of men. Maybe some of these girls really are just forced to date amongst themselves since so many of their male peers have forgotten what it actually means to be a man. Forget “straight”—“man” is the final boss trigger word. Manliness is distasteful and unfashionable. Is it any wonder women must take solace with each other? 

In a few years, being a bisexual woman will mean you’re attracted to actual men, and also to neutered, estrogen-infused receipt-eaters with soy for brains, peach fuzz for beards, and testes the size of dehydrated lima beans. Don’t drink the tap water, boys! (Infowars and the New York Times finally agreed on that one.)

We must build off-ramps from this chaos, and a pathway back to healthy heterosexuality for children assigned straight at birth. 

Making believe they are bi, or making believe they are men trapped in women’s bodies, will end up making Generation Z girls the most medicated, dysfunctional, childless, self-sterilized generation ever. A lost cause lost in their cause. But there is still hope for the youngest Americans. Your kids. My kids. As Doc says about getting back to the future, “it’s your kids, Marty! Something has gotta be done about your kids!” 

Perhaps in the future straight girls and boys will finally be able to stop hiding, emerge from the closet, and declare at long last to the world: “We’re great, we’re straight, get used to it.”

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