This is part one of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part two here.—Eds.

Cue Pete Buttigieg’s campaign theme song: I had hiiiiiigh hopes for Night 1 of the Republican Convention. Four days spent wallowing in the fetid swamp of last week’s Democrat Convention was like going on a weeklong Augustus Gloop sugar binge. I was so swollen with leftwing platitudes and gaslit screeds that it took five indigenous Oompa Loompas to dislodge me from my X-Chair.

I hoped the RNC would deliver the antidote to last week’s parade of sad eunuchs, angry ghouls, and doddering harpies. I hoped they would lay out a powerful defense of Americans who don’t want to kneel, apologize, or “do the work.” I hoped they would offer iron-spined moral support against the Biden-Harris nighttime terror mobs.

Most of all, I hoped they would start prosecuting the case against Biden to the eight people still undecided—and just maybe, win over squeamish moderates who are eyeballing Biden the way my mother eyeballs week-old raw chicken on special at Ralphs.

The only job the RNC has this week: solidify the base and seduce the fringe.

And guess what? Incredibly, they (mostly) nailed it.

You Are Now Entering a Woke-Free Zone

What an utter delight to see CNN forced to broadcast a Catholic cardinal urging us to pray for the unborn and for persecuted Christians! O the triggering! In God we trust, indeed.

Charlie Kirk of Turning Point, U.S.A., kicked off the series of live speakers with The American Mind’s campaign message: to preserve the American way of life, we must do everything we can to defeat Joe Biden. Or as Founding Editor Matthew Peterson puts it, come with us if you want to live!

Then we were on to one of the main themes of the night: school choice. The schoolteacher they chose to speak had a devastating message about teachers unions many parents are finally ready to hear. She called the unions the “enemy” of students who are responsible for “trapping them in dangerous and corrupt schools.” I wish they had made the case for Trump’s brilliant idea to let the funds follow students to their school of choice—[NOTE: someone should lay this out in detail over the next three nights]. Los Angeles Unified spends over $13,000 a year on each student. Imagine if you had this money instead. Homeschool for less, and pocket the rest! In the current hellscape of distance learning, remote learning and Zoom school, school choice is a winning issue. More please!

As a bonus triggering event, the teacher mispronounced “Kamala,” saying it the same way Biden often does.

The hits kept right on coming after that. I thought the absence of a cheering crowd would hurt the energy in the room, but the speakers were mostly so effective that I didn’t really notice. It definitely didn’t hurt high-energy Kim Guilfoyle, but in her defense, her exuberant speech would have been an absolute barn burner with a big crowd.

Look out Elijah Cummings: new conservative star Kim Klacik’s high heels are made for walking, and she’s gonna walk all over you! Klacik hit another major theme of the night: America is not racist, Donald Trump is not racist, and African-Americans don’t have to vote for democrats. NFL great Herschel Walker and Vernon Jones echoed this message, too. Jones, a Democrat from Georgia, was full-throated in his rejection of the Left. “Democrats are infected with the virus of intolerance, bigotry, and socialism, and tolerance for those who destroy property and terrorize our own community.”

He also detailed the abuse and racist name calling he is subjected to as a result of his party-bucking support for Trump.

Which party is the inclusive one again? I keep forgetting.

Land of Protests vs. Land of Promise

Parkland father Andrew Pollack made one of the strongest cases I’ve ever heard against the gun control lobby. His daughter’s tragic murder could have been prevented if the school hadn’t ignored countless red flags and practiced something called restorative justice, which basically means abolishing punishment for disruptive and dangerous students.

“Mr. Biden has campaigned to bring back restorative justice,” he said. “But he doesn’t even seem to know when the shooting happened.”

Speaking of gun violence, the St. Louis McCloskeys described the topsy turvy Wonderland of the Left perfectly. “Instead of protecting innocent citizens from criminals, the Democrats are protecting criminals from innocent citizens,” Mark McCloskey said. One of the raving Marxist revolutionaries who screamed at them in their home just won a House seat. “These radicals are not content to walk the streets. They want to walk the halls of congress.” Lifelong Democrats, the McCloskeys can be my wingmen anytime.

Don Jr. and Tim Scott were also in top form, but the best speaker of the night was the diminutive Maximo Alvarez, whose family fled Spain and then Cuba for America. His voice quavering, his eyes watering, he warned us not to let the country we love slip away. “Don’t lose this place. My family is done abandoning what we’ve earned. There is no place to hide!”

This is the kill shot, as they say: the Left wants to talk about how America failed them. The Right wants to talk about how America saved them.

It’s really as simple as that.

Aw Haley No!

“I’m so excited to see a Nikki Haley speech!” said no one ever. The only thing I remember her doing at the U.N. was bad-mouthing her boss. Neocon Nikki agrees that “America is not racist” but her otherwise fine speech was all about her. Almost like she’s planning to run for president someday! She is, as everyone knows, angling hard for 2024 but her low-energy delivery and robotic intonation are not quite ready for primetime. President Harris will eat her alive. Sorry Ambassador Haley: you’re Jeb in heels and electrify the MAGA base you do not.

The Next Three Nights

The contrast is now stark. The DNC convention was a lot of people demanding an apology from this country for letting them down.

The RNC convention is a lot of people saying thank you to this country for lifting them up.

If the next three nights are this strong, we’ll have a clear path to November 3rd. I plan to vote by mail AND in person, just like every other Californian.

Advice for the next few nights:

• Detail Trump’s plan to let school funding follow the child, so parents can spend it as they choose. This could be yuuuge!
• Call out the Democrats rioting and looting as “Biden’s base,” which they are.
• Lay out the proof that Biden and his party do want to defund the police (“reimagine policing”), and why Biden’s denial of this is a giant lie. This is the big argument coming from the media. Be able to demolish it!
• Remind people that Democrats are also the party of the elites, the party of billionaires. People who have private security and their own personal armed guards!
• Finally: almost every speaker mentioned the incredible fact that Biden has been a useless do-nothing in government for 47 years; keep pressing this.

47 years. That’s almost as long as 2020 has lasted!

On to Night 2: See you tomorrow!