Why can’t young men find suitable brides? 

You know why. Fifty years of feminism has had its way with two generations of American women, with predictable results. Throw in the eager pharmaceutical market, social celebration of “sex work,” the pornification of entertainment, successful destruction of “devoted wife” and “loving mother” as attractive careers for girls, and finally, the dismantling of “human female” as a real and separate gender—and well, here we are. 

But someone’s got to keep American civilization from dying out! We can’t import our way out of this. And we don’t want to, do we folks? We need more weddings and babies, and we need them fast. 

Young women of America: it is time for you to step up and do your duty. 

Fortunately, there are many eligible young men who have ducked and dodged the incoming cultural shrapnel that has stripped so many others of their agency and masculinity and their confidence and even their gonads. These brave souls made it to adulthood with their appendages attached and sanity intact.

Now they are in want of a wife. But that’s the problem: “wife.” What’s that? Most girls are no longer raised to be wives. Not since Target started selling Girls Rule t-shirts for toddlers, at least. “How to be a wife” is now an archaic skill set one must seek out on trad-minded blogs. 

“How to be a wife” is not something anyone really ever even thinks about, until it’s too late. 

But girls, before you learn those important butter churning skills, there is something you need to do first if you wish to be married before your oocytes retire and move to Florida.

You must become marriageable.  

Becoming Marriageable

How does one become marriageable? You know, what we used to call “normal.” Today, girls are taught that being a woman means you can do anything —and anyone—you want.

What makes a woman marriageable? The things that have always made her marriageable. You are someone who has never doubted her gender, is glad to be female, wants a monogamous relationship with a man who also has never doubted his gender, and has no extreme body modifications. You are open to having children, you reject synthetic birth control and SSRI mood modification pills. You don’t have drug or alcohol issues. You come with very little baggage of self-inflicted “trauma.” This is not to say you can’t have experienced misfortune—tragedy makes us human. But you don’t fetishize your trauma as a disability and make TikToks about it for clout. And crucially: your past is not a gruesome self-inflicted minefield of abortions, psychological breaks, and estrangement from your parents. 

Do such elusive unicorn females exist? They do! In much larger numbers than you would ever dream! All a guy has to do is drag a diamond engagement ring through the closest colony of Mennonites.

Just kidding. Nice girls are out there. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them. And if you are a former nice girl who lost her way, you are not alone! There’s still hope for you. All you have to do is clean up your act. I will help you. It worked for me! That’s right: some wives are born, but some are made. Made a few mistakes in college? Experienced at least one Vegas bachelorette party? 

We can rebuild you.

Strike While the Ovaries are Hot

This is the answer to “Why should I get married young?” You should marry young for many reasons, but mainly because it helps you create children. It is not ideal to parent a toddler in your mid-forties! Do you long to be mistaken for your baby’s grandmother? Do you have any idea what it’s like to breastfeed on the hour, every hour—when you’re 43? Do not google fertility rates in women over 40. It’s a tragic tale of lost time and broken dreams. 

The only exception to this is if you are having your last child in your forties. Once you’ve had the main heirs, there is always room for a couple spares. (The last one is always the best one anyway, don’t tell my children I said this).  

Do the math. Let’s say you get married at 35. How many children do you hope to have? Maybe one?  It takes longer to get pregnant at that age. It’s called advanced maternal age for a reason. How old will you be when the youngest finally leaves the house? Answer: you’ll be the one in diapers.

Now imagine getting married at 25. You can easily manage to produce at least three children (my minimum recommended number). You can even walk the youngest down the aisle with both your original hips! 

Operation Marriage Material: My 5-Point Plan

Step 1: Reject promiscuity

In the crudest of terms, don’t be a ho. No one wants to marry someone who is only 25 but seen more traffic than the Lincoln Tunnel. Stop lying to yourself that women can be just like men and “date” as many people as they want. You can’t. If you are on a hookup app hooking up with multiple men, you are volunteering to work as an unpaid human fleshlight. Each fleeting dopamine hit you receive from a rando who swipes right on you slices off a wedge of your soul. Eventually there will be nothing left of it to carve off. 

Step 2: Looksmaxx for ladies

Body: You do not need to be a bodybuilder or an anorexic. I reject all physical extremes for women. But yes, fat shaming is good. Fat shaming works. Size matters. Your hip-to-waist ratio must be maintained at all costs. If this is a problem area for you, target it. You don’t need to be a size 2, or even a size 10.  But hang on to your ratio as if your future children depended on it. Which they do! Neglect it and you will find yourself a bridesmaid and never a bride.
Face: Beauty matters. Sorry folx! Fortunately, nearly every young woman I know looks pretty with the right makeup. Just make sure you reject Kardashian-style clownpaint and huge fake lips. They age you. Cultivating a youthful dewy glow is easier if you’ve been wearing sunscreen every day since you were in ninth grade, but it’s never too late to start. Barring that, you can’t go wrong with making your eyes look bigger and your cheeks glow. Hit the local Sephora and figure it out! 

Style: Modesty = elegance. You don’t need to be in full abaya, but please hide your belly button, the lower half of your buttocks, and any underboobs. I reject and disavow those atrocious g-string style bikini bottoms! Easier just to take a sharpie and write a big H and an O on each butt cheek, dear.

If this offends you, enjoy dying alone with your cats and your shriveled, sun-damaged behind.

Step 3: Be charming 

What are your interests? Your dreams? What do you think about? Do you read gossip magazines and watch all the “shows”? Stop doing that. Read books, learn about something esoteric, or start a side business. Study art. Cultivate your most aspirational hobby. Become an expert in something unusual. I will admit that I was already well read and charming before I met my husband, but not all of us are so blessed. Even a small talent in something can give you an air of mystery and ineffable uniqueness. 

But not too unique. The world does not need more—or any—female taxidermists.

Step 4: Lower your standards

Calm down, I didn’t say lower all of them. But most of your standards are dumb and are keeping you in the spinster lane. Your dumb standards are a one-way ticket to Old Maid Island, which is overrun with cats and the only young men who visit are DoorDash guys. Height is the most fatal of these dumb standards. My mother, for example, is an unrepentant height supremacist. When I told her about my future husband, her first question was “how tall is he?” Sigh. He’s tall enough, okay? Reader, her ex-husband was very tall, and a miserable failure as a husband. And yet she persisted, which is why she never remarried! And who are you, anyway, to have such standards? Even Grace Kelly herself, ne plus ultra of the American feminine ideal, ended up with a jowly schlub! 

Charisma, charm, and chemistry cannot be properly conveyed in an iPhone sized profile photo. How would Serge Gainsbourg have done on Bumble? Poorly. Timothée Chalamet would have no takers on Hinge. Truly the French understand that lasting attraction lies at a molecular level, not on the surface. It is a quality you need to encounter in the flesh, so to speak, to uncover. Try it!

Step 5: Change your marriage mindset

I once saw a documentary about a famous old filmmaker. In one scene he goes back to visit the first wife whom he’d married young, who now had dementia. He leans over and whispers in her ear, “We have secrets, you and me.” 

Stop thinking of marriage as an end. It is a beginning. Life is extremely short so it’s best to get the good part started as early as you can. When you find the guy, remember that it’s not about what he owes you, or what he’s “done for you lately.” Forge something new as a team.  Don’t waste another second on losers who don’t value you. Life can be difficult. Once in a while it can get so tough that you won’t know how to keep going. You’re going to need a loyal partner in that foxhole with you. Someone pulling for you. Someone ready to jump on the grenade. 

Most importantly, someone who will get up in the middle of the night and kill the horrible spider in the bathroom. The secret to a long and happy marriage? Arachnophobia. Spider killing, as you know, is Husband Job #1. 

Happily Ever After

We need to flood the countryside with your future infants, and I am here to serve my nation. If my plan works for any of you, let me know. And if you need more advanced training, please reach out.