Dear President Trump,
You, Sir, are blowing it. I say this as a loyal supporter since early in your candidacy. I placed an early Predictit bet on you, and won big. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit defending you to #nevertrump cucks. My faith in your political and national instincts has never really wavered—until now.
And I’m not alone. Many smart Trump voters I know are bewildered by your response to the coronavirus pandemic.
Most of the country is in the corona truther camp, but you are being held captive by corona deniers. You are wasting precious seconds and spilling dwindling political capital defending sweaty imbeciles with government makework jobs. I know you trusted them for their “expertise,” but these swampheads are only succeeding at digging your hole deeper.
Speaking of holes, I don’t wish to be tossed into one any time soon.
True medieval horrors await those unlucky enough to be caught in the cruel corona vortex: bilateral interstitial pneumonia, medically induced comas, intubation, multi-organ failure, sudden cardiac arrest: these are the fates that await many, many Americans—including thousands of 60+ year-old Trump voters—if you cling to your present course.
And those are the lucky ones who get treatment. Doctors at every hospital in America are, this minute, preparing to triage those they will not have the capacity to help. Don’t bring Obamacare-style death panels back from the dead!
Wuhan approacheth, and fast. It’s not too late. It’s almost too late, and you should have done this a month or more ago. The drawbridge is closing, the train is pulling away, the rocket is lifting off, but we can still avert the worst.
We need you to get this right. Not just to save your political future, but to save our lives.
There is a solution, and I give it to you, free of charge! It requires a pivot that should come easily to you, and one I was frankly expecting as soon as you stepped off Air Force One from India.
Pivot to wartime footing, today, and take America with you. Wartime presidents are great at rallying the nation to a massive effort, which is what defeating this pernicious enemy will require. Only a true wartime mobilization—for total war—will get it done. Otherwise we are facing a cataclysm unlike any other in our history.
It’s a win-win for you: Many of those age 60 and above voted for you. You are going to need their votes this fall, and dead Republicans don’t vote. Everyone knows only dead Democrats vote!
Wartime Trump fits your brand! Toughness, a refusal to tolerate red tape and regulations, stringent border controls, distrust of the D.C. swamp, and patriotic duty: these are your key strengths! Put them to work!
Rally the nation to a “Victory Garden” mindset—people will be willing to make the sacrifices you ask of them, they only have to be inspired.
I have little to offer the country other than the future productive citizens I’m trying not to orphan, but I am a writer. I even used to write speeches for minor notables! So, here is my suggestion for your address to the nation tonight. Please feel free to go full Biden on it, and by that I mean plagiarize it at will.
My fellow Americans:
Two months ago, at the start of this year, Americans were enjoying peace and prosperity the likes of which we’ve never seen before. The economy was at all time highs, American workers were enjoying record employment, and we were killing the world’s most-wanted terrorists without shedding a drop of U.S. blood. Our administration was working tirelessly on ending the endless war in Afghanistan, and bringing our brave men and women home.
Little did we know that an invisible enemy was being born in a far away land—an enemy unlike any we have faced before. This enemy has no armies, no guns, no navy. It can’t be droned, negotiated with, or bombed. Its merciless soldiers are invisible to the naked eye; its tactics are silence and stealth. Little did we know we were under sneak attack—but in slow motion, the infiltration grew, day by day, undetected.
But it is here. And right now, it is winning. This virus is a stubborn and dangerous enemy. Since the coronavirus is so new, so novel, we have no vaccines available to fight it, although brilliant doctors around the world are racing to produce one as I speak.
Because this is a new enemy that the world has never faced before, the only way to defeat it is to do new things; things we’ve never had to do before.
These new measures will cause disruptions, inconvenience, and economic pain. We built a beautiful economy over the last three years, and were ushering in a golden age of growth and wealth, but our lives are more important.
That is why today, now, with the full power of the presidency invested in me, and as commander in chief, I am ordering the entire federal government to assume wartime footing, and for the following actions to be taken.
For the next 60 days, we are effectively putting America temporarily on pause as we wage war on the coronavirus. It will hurt, but not as much as the alternative. It is the most effective and frankly, the only way to mitigate the spread of this virus.
First, I am hereby ordering the temporary closure of all schools in the nation. Students will still be able to go to school and receive meals, but no classroom instruction will be offered. Childcare arrangements for those who need to work will be made at the district level. Truancy and absentee rules are being relaxed through the end of May.
Second, all non-essential businesses should temporarily close. Restaurants and other small businesses affected will be able to get short-term federal payments to prevent bankruptcies.
Third, all state and federal courthouses are ordered shut, effective immediately.
Fourth, I am ordering the FAA to close the airports. This virus didn’t need its own air force—it used our planes. We are asking Americans to stay home, postpone trips, and wait on vacations, for the next 60 days.
Fifth, I am ordering the CDC and FDA to immediately launch drive-thru testing stations outside every hospital in America. Every regulation and rule that has impeded testing to date or is in any way slowing down our rapid response will be abolished. After the pandemic, I will be ordering a top to bottom review of both agencies.
These immediate short-term efforts will be difficult, but by working together, as a nation, as Americans, we will defeat the coronavirus.
Once we do, we will execute long-term strategies that include repatriating our medical supply chain from China, which will help ensure we are no longer dependent on any other nation for our needs. My America First agenda will ensure that our factories at home will start producing the pharmaceutical drugs and equipment we need.
Taking a country to war is serious business. But this is war. This is a war we did not want, and did not expect, but now the battle is joined. We will fight this battle together, until together, we win, and win totally.
World War V will end in Victory for America—an America that is greater, stronger, richer, and healthier than ever before.
Thank you, and may God bless us all.