Post
08.27.2020

Mega MAGA

This is part three of Peachy Keenan’s nightly RNC coverage. Read part one here and part two here.—Eds.

Storm Surge

Another night, another round of future president auditions! Night 3 of the RNC attempted to do the impossible: soften Trump in the eyes of suburban white women still mad about his tweets or something.

First of all, if I find out later that the fate of all humanity rested in the hands of a bunch of bitter wine o’clock moms, I will make repealing the Nineteenth Amendment the hill on which I die. Who knew that Susan B. Anthony would turn out to be the true destroyer of Western civilization?

I’m kidding, relax. I love voting. I plan to do it at least twice this year!

But I was curious to see how the night would play out so soon after shots were fired in the “Battle of Kenosha: Kyle of Duty.”

If you haven’t had a chance to piece together the story, here are the basics (though much yet remains unknown and unclear): A 17-year-old high school senior named Kyle Rittenhouse who idolized the police had volunteered to help guard a local business. He and his AR-15 drew the attention of a band of roving Antifas, who chased him into a car lot. After these mostly peaceful lunatics threw projectiles, including bricks, in his direction, someone—it is unclear who at this writing—fired a gun near Kyle. He was rushed by a wild-eyed convicted pedophile, who was illegally attempting to make contact with the minor.

Kyle—or someone else, it is not entirely clear—shot this man. Kyle stayed and called 911, but then fled again as more Antifas gave chase. He fell down and was jumped by three men, one armed with a handgun. One man with a long arrest record bashed Kyle in the face with a skateboard. The youngster somehow managed to protect himself from certain death by shooting all three of his attackers. Thanks to his excellent training and expert sniper-level aim, two white ex-felons are dead. So was it self-defense or cold-blooded murder? Ilhan Omar even called it an “execution.” Both of the men killed had arrests for a variety of violent crimes. What would they have done to Kyle if he had dropped his gun? As of this moment, Kyle has been arrested for the fantastical charge of first-degree murder. Stay tuned.

Ask yourself: Which would you rather hire to guard your children at night, a crack shot patriot or a crackhead pedophile? War sure does funny things to men.

Peace Through Superior Girlpower

Back to the big show. As the Real Housewives of Trump (the R-HOTs) took the stage last night, I could almost hear the gnashing of teeth in Beverly Hills and Southampton. Feminists still can’t figure out why women support Trump, and their inchoate rage is all part of the fun. It was a delight to behold a never-ending parade of attractive, normal-looking women take the stage and proceed to dismantle the case against Trump.

Kristi Noem, the Governor of South Dakota who stands on the indigenous cheekbones Elizabeth Warren stole, went first. She’s a knockout, but her sleepy speech left something to be desired. Weeping, I must cross her off my future president list for now.

Kayleigh McEnany, Trump’s Harvard-educated press secretary, was especially good. Mother of a little girl, she asserted that she “chose to work for this president—for her.” The screeching harpies of Hollywood howled as she detailed her preventative mastectomy and Trump’s support for pre-existing conditions. Feminists, of course, all have the same terminal pre-existing condition: scornful contempt for pretty young conservatives.

Lara Trump, Karen Pence, and all those Trump-loving female senators and governors made it hard to keep up the lie that Trump hates women. All these ladies work for him, work with him, and seem to like him! How can that be? Last up, Kellyanne Conway, who helped make November 8, 2016 one of the most lucrative nights of my life when I won my PredictIt bet, said her goodbye to the troops. She’s giving it up to rescue her daughter from the clutches of TikTok. Thank you KAC, and please move to a town with no cell service.

MAGA Men

Madison Hawt-thorn—sorry, Cawthorn—is the dreamboat 25-year-old House candidate from North Carolina. He did what no other speaker did, which is pitch conservatism as radical chic to young people. Everyone else in the world is telling kids to kneel for the flag. Instead, he implored young people to “be radicals” by standing for America instead. Then, in a shocking moment, he stood up from his wheelchair and recited the Pledge of Allegiance, despite the fact that he’s a paraplegic. If Cardi B can make hyperhidrosis sexy, Cawthorn can do the same for his injury.

When Richard Grennell took down the Russia hoax in simple, clear language, there was nowhere for CNN to hide! There are probably millions of people out there who were hearing it for the very first time—pray for them. Grennell is one of the few Trumpworld stars utterly beloved by the base. He goes on my list!

Maybe the best moment of all was Chen Guangcheng, the blind Chinese prison escapee who was tortured for protesting China’s abhorrent one-child policy. Imagine Joe Biden using his convention to insult the Chinese Communist Party, his son Hunter’s current employer! You’ll never hear a Biden voter refer to the CCP as “the enemy of humanity,” no matter how many Uighur children are separated from their parents. I’m looking at you, LeBron! (Fun fact: In Mandarin, “LeBron” means “man who thinks he knows all but knows almost nothing.”)

As the charismatic Jack Brewer, black NFL player and Trump fan, put it, “when the Lord starts blessing, the devil starts messing.” Jack Brewer needs his own show on primetime, stat.

Sister Christian

I was not prepared for Sister Deirdre Byrne, M.D. An Army surgeon and Catholic nun, onstage at the RNC! A Real Housewife of Jesus! Her bio is insane, you should go read it. Sister Deirdre gave an absolutely devastating indictment of Kamala “Full Term” Harris and Biden “Devout Catholic” Biden for their unwavering support for abortion at all ages, including up to the moment of birth.

Here are some of her best lines, in case you missed them:

“Life begins at conception. I’m not just pro-life, I’m pro-eternal life.”

“Donald Trump is the most pro-life president we have ever had. He will stand up against Biden-Harris, who are the most anti-life candidates we’ve ever had, even supporting the horrors of late-term abortion.”

At the end of her moving oration, she held up her rosary beads. “You’ll find us here with our weapon of choice.” To the Catholic women I know, this kind of talk is enough to make them start wearing MAGA hats to Sunday mass.

Haven’t We Suffraged Enough?

After hearing Sister Deirdre, I was surprised I’d never heard of her. But it’s no surprise. Women like her are not allowed to be celebrated in mainstream culture. But I. Am. So. Tired. of the same old feminist-approved women glorified and endlessly shoved in our faces by the Left’s culture monopoly. From Lizzo to Michelle O, from RGB to Cardi B to Pelosi, it’s a wasteland out there for anyone looking for positive female role models.

At my local bookstore, the entire second floor is devoted to children’s “literature.” Massive tables are heaped with new woke offerings divided by category. On the “Girls Rule” table, you always see the same dozen faces: Ilhan Omar, Hillary Clinton, the black transwoman from “Orange is The New Black,” Christine Blasey Ford.

Won’t some brave writer make people like Sister Deirdre famous? Maybe this is a job for Peachy!

Inherent Vice

The always dependable, ever-loyal, never thrilling Mike Pence was unexpectedly savage last night. Loose, relaxed, and funny, he expertly dismembered Joe Biden’s record the way Kamala-style “reproductive justice” dismembers babies.

I always sort of took Pence for a reluctant warrior: wobbly on Trump, more a noble-minded striver than a true believer. But in his convention speech he showed genuine affection for the bossman. His only reference to the discomfort he must have felt during the Stormy und Drang of the last four years was when he said, “he always keeps things interesting,” to knowing laughs. It worked! This poor guy had to wade through everything thrown in Trump’s path, from low-rent strippers to gang rape accusers. Pence gets the top spot on my list!

It was sort of shocking to hear the word “ISIS” again. I forgot all about those guys! Remember how during Obama, ISIS was poised to take over the entire Middle East and parts of Europe? To paraphrase Clemenza from “The Godfather,” “Oh, ISIS? You won’t see them no more.” Nice also to remind Americans that Trump’s been blowing away terrorists three at a time.

I’m looking forward to him taking down the new Kamaliphate at the VP debate. Those powerful midwestern airline captain vibes—how did I never notice those before?! I hate flying, and Pence’s soothing voice just might be the thing that gets me through the bumpy Trump-free years ahead.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden is riding out this week’s storm in his basement. And by storm, I don’t mean Hurricane Laura. I mean the utter destruction and looting his loser armies of Antifa and BLM “peaceful protestors” are wreaking from coast to coast. But it’s way too late for Biden to make it to higher ground now. The newly radicalized Right is surging forward to sweep him out of politics, forever. 47 years too late, but I’ll take it.

Peace out—see you tomorrow!

is a writer and mother in California. She is a graduate of a formerly impressive, now totally compromised Ivy League university.

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